**beware pity post**


I lost it and this time I am not sure how to get it back.

I have been down sick this time for quite awhile, going over two months. The thing is, the doctors are not sure what is wrong.
If I was dealing with my Chiari or even my Pseudotumor, then I would know how to handle it and I could pop out of it fairly easy. I have suffered from those two illnesses for 10 years now. I know there is pain everyday and I know how to live with it. I guess you can say that I accepted that these problems I have are gonna cause me pain for the rest of my life and I got okay with that.

The things that are going on now, I can not accept. Maybe cuz these problems are new and cuz the doctors haven’t figured out what is wrong. I vomit at least three times daily; even water will not stay down. For a month now, I haven’t been able to swallow anything. I have to chase food immediately with a big gulp of liquids or I choke.

Wednesday I went to the hospital for a modified barium swallow. They mixed the barium in apple juice and put the paste on crackers and had me swallow a barium pill.
It didn’t go as well as my last swallow, I ended up choking this time and some of the apple juice I drank to clear my throat went down my airway.
The techs were talking about how small my esophagus is, they had never seen one that small. Also that the muscles in my esophagus are very weak as well as the muscles in my throat and this is why I am unable to swallow. They are certain, as am I, that I have acid burns, from the vomiting as well as the weakness. They just do not know why my muscles are weak and for now we are blaming the Chiari. The Chiari can not be fixed again and there were premature talks about a feeding tube.

Today I get to have a camera put down my throat at the ENT office. He will be looking for a growth of some sort as they could not tell if there was a growth during the swallow.
THAT sould be fun………NOT! Goddess let him knock me out! A great friend of mine will be with me, so if they knock me out, I will be fine and not have to drive.

Anyway, the point of this story is, I am having trouble popping out of it. Out of the funk, out of the sickness. It really was never a problem before, I am stronger than this, and I can feel great even on my worse of days. This time though, it seems that I am not strong anymore. I can’t pull myself up and I just do not know what I am going to do. If it wasn’t for my children, I would just close my eyes and ……...