**Off My Chest**


I had a friend for 20 years, one I idolized the whole first year I met her.
I developed feelings for her as one does for a best friend, I wanted to protect her and make her well when she was hurt. I remember a very bad car accident she was in that just tore me apart, she was a wreck and I did my best to help but I was not good enough. She never hesitated to tell me or show me in some way that I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH for her, but I stayed by her side-for 20 years.


We had some really great times through the years. We skipped school together, shared boyfriends {without knowing it}, laughed and cried together. We joked that my oldest was also hers because my daughter is so much like her, looks and all. The hard times in our friendship where equaled out with the good, always, until a couple months ago.

She moved miles away and we stopped talking as much as we used to. We would catch each other online and when I needed to log off, she got very upset and I felt obligated to stay. This set up resentment, something I do not like in myself, something I needed to fix as soon as possible. I informed her in a letter that I needed to take a small break from speaking to her, from our friendship. I told her why I needed it, because I was just separated from my husband, now a single mother, disabled, I was a mess and I didn’t need any other obligations. Being made to stay online for hours for fear that she would be mad at me made me feel obligated to her.

We have a mutual friend who got the bad end of this deal and made everything much worse. Sometime after I sent the initial letter to my friend, it was told to her that I didn’t want the friendship because I could not handle the grief that she was going through from loosing her son. WTF? I was there for the birth of her son, for the life of her son and THE ONLY ONE OF HER FRIENDS that was there for the death of her son. I sat in the hospital hallway, waiting, alone, just in case she needed me even though I knew that I probably would not see her, I WAS THERE. I was there as a shoulder, I visited her, called her, cried with her. I will never feel her grief nor will I ever grieve the same as she but no one can ever say that I could not handle her grief; ESPECIALLY this mutual friend who was NOT there the night her son past away.

Since then this mutual friend {I will call her MF} has said so many other things to her, I have all the letters that were written to me about it. I just put it out of my mind thinking that MF was caught in the middle, trapped my now EX friend, and what she was saying was just coming across wrong. I thought that because I tend to always see the GOOD in everyone.

My EX friend has told me to stay out of her life, just throw away 20 years and why? Well, of course, it is because I asked for time to myself……. Oh YEAH and because she was listening to someone other than myself who has no idea on how I feel or on how our relationship for the past 20 years worked.

I can NOT, I will NOT throw her away, I can’t love someone for that long and not care anymore, not worry anymore. I will not throw her away for something someone else put in her head. I plan on checking up on her as often as I can, because I care and I always will. Is this wrong of me? I don’t talk to her anymore because she doesn’t want to talk to me, I do not send her mail or post comments to her, I do not bother her in any way. I check on her because if she needs me I will always be here, always have always will. What I can do today is pray if she needs strength or health or happiness and I do. Maybe doing this is just part of my masochistic self, except, this kind of pain is not pleasurable at all.

So I am blogging this because it needs to get off my chest and because I went to check on her today and there was yet another post TO ME on her blog. Very hateful, full of distain, disgust, I never thought she would ever be as hateful. Now, if I do not send her mail, post comments, call her, then how is she getting information that I am checking up on her?
The Stat Counter on her blog you say?? Well, yes, that would be a way except I checked that and I am not the only Charter Internet member in St. Louis. Not only that, I never go to her page off of my own blog page.

The message she wrote to me also had more information than she would get from a counter. Like “Do you really think I will ever let you back into my life after the things you said to me? ” and “There is no chance EVER that we are ever going to be friends again”
~clears throat~
It was said in confidence to MF that I miss EX friend and to be able to talk again to her would be very nice. In fairness, I did mention to go ahead and let EX friend know that something on her blog looked really great!

Ex friend also adds….”your words solidified that fact. I will not forget the things you said to me or about me.” ~scratch head~ Things I said ABOUT HER?? I want to know what was said and by who. I can guess and probably be correct in guessing but I want to know from her.
Now I need to check the letters that we sent back and forth, I am almost certain that at the end there, I was not nice and I called her a bitch a couple times, but I know “bitch” is not a reason to end a friendship.

I am not perfect at all as a human being, friend or mother. I bitch and complain like the best of you. Nobody is perfect. I am just really confused right now because I know what I told EX friend that I needed, I know it was a reasonable request. I know that MF is the ONLY person I talk to about my feelings at all. Today I just feel like MF is the reason EX friend feels this way and MF is the reason EX friend still finds out my feelings, but in very negative ways.

I should not care, my life is getting back in order, I am finally picking up the pieces from my marriage, my children are all doing very well, I have many new and interesting friends who like me for me. These new friends actually do the caring instead of me having to carry the weight all the time, all are equal, 30-something friendships and we have a great time.

Anyway, if you have read this far, thankx for listening, I needed to get this off my chest- the weight was too heavy. Also I am suppose to go for Easter dinner with MF tomorrow and I do not think I can confront her right now. I just do not know what to do, keep my mouth shut and keep going through this shit or loose another great friend who is most likely innocent, but loose her to relieve her from this BS too......what do I do???