~STILL ALIVE~

I know it has been a long while since I have blogged. It has been a long while since I have done anything, really. It seems that way anyhow. Not sure what is wrong here. I can blame it on the weather cuz that normally works. I just have not felt like doing anything at all as of late. I have been extremely fatigued, I could almost say- Chronically fatigued - all I want to do is sleep all day!

I can't wait to start my job on the 17th....it means that money will be rolling in two weeks after that....so IF my stress is financial, at least that will be taken care of. My worry is - will I feel like working or will I be too tired?

The kids start school in 18 days! I should be REALLY happy about that and so should they BUT...no money = no school supplies.........it really sucks and my pride will not allow me to go get FREE stuff. I mean, I do when I am in NEED, like when we are starving or naked. I figure I have 18 days to get my shit together and ask mom..........{{grrrrrrrrrrrrr}} but really- what would I do without her??!! I just hate the fact that I have to take from them and really I don't think they are doing much better than I am. It is my hope that someday- VERY SOON - I can start to repay them.

On another note......
My grandfather is dieing.......in the hospital.....waiting to die.
Can you imagine? Knowing that at any minute you will just ....... die .......
I guess we are all waiting to die. Everyday our lives become shorter. At least we are not lieing in a damn bed, unable to get up and walk, cook, be with our loved ones, waiting to die.
He is so sad. So damn depressed and it pissed me off that those nurses where not there to walk him. Just walk him for 5 minutes......they would rather sit on there fat asses and stuff their faces and gossip than walk a poor DIEING man! UGGGGGG
I know the reason this makes me so mad is because I do not know him. He is my maternal grandfather and I do not even know who he is. I know his name, I know stories about him, I know what he looks like, but I do NOT know HIM! and it pisses me off.
I am sick and tired of my family members dieing off- family that I SHOULD know- without me knowing them.
I can no longer blame anyone but myself for this. I am a 33 y/o woman, they are MY family and it is up to me now to get to know them. Just gets a little scary to know that some of your closest relatives don't even know who you are or that you even exsist.
For goddess sake, my mother had to INTRODUCE ME TO MY OWN GRANDFATHER........
Time for me to make a move on this.....I WANT my children to know and be close to their family! They have MANY cousins, we actually have a nice size family! SO WHAT if they all don't get along.....that can not matter to me anymore....they are MY BLOOD.

eeeewwwww ....sorry for that...... damn. Just a bit of a rant I should be grateful I have a blog!
The kiddos want SUGAR!! {gooey butter cake}} yummmmmmmmm
BB