*~*~Pondering my life with Stevie Ray Vaughn & Everlast*~*~

The readers I do have don’t know much about me from my post. There is an actual reason for this….. It is because I don’t........ didn’t know much about me, so how could I post?

Right now I know that I need to start talking about my life, yes ME, cuz I DO MATTER!
Right now I also know that there is plenty I cannot face.
Right now there is heap of hooey I need to dig though.
Right now I am a couple months into my hooey excavation and doing remarkable!

Beginning with a short version of the hooey heap…..

Today I am living with my three beautifully intelligent children. I am so very proud of all three of them.

{{For those who don’t know}} I am disabled, have headaches daily that I deal with very well. Been doing this every day for 9 years. I have 6 titanium plates holding my brain in place and I think that is pretty damn cool. Don’t you?

My bills are out of this world HIGH….example…. Ameren UE $1,112.82.
Now this is actually was closer to $1400.00 but with my $20 I was able to pay every once in a while, it has dropped. I still have Gas, Phone, KIDS, food, gas for the car, the cats and rent. My income has been $683/mnth from SSI. YUP that is all….my RENT alone is $600, leaving a WHOPPING $83 for all the rest. ~sigh~
I am here, happy and we are all healthy so I do not complain- unless I am on the phone with S. ~kissz2U~

Over a year ago, I left my husband. This is one I am unable to talk about at this time.
He had problems, which meant, of course, WE had problems. I still tend to blame myself for things I should never own with him, but I am getting through it. He has recently started to call me again, this time with urgency about signing divorce papers. I am not willing to let him sign off of our lives without him acknowledging what he did to me.
That is not fair to ME, as said before – I DO MATTER! I am now ~finally~ not willing to let others hurt me and then move on with their happy lil lives thinking they did no wrong.

Ever take a break from a friendship? How about a 20-year friendship? It is an extremely hard decision that I forced myself to make. Now, I hear ya askin’…..
Why the break?? Well, I have a tendency to get completely enthralled in other people moods- not their lives, but their moods. I would totally let this affect how I am, act, and deal.
Not sure why I do....…..did this before but I am done doing it now. Not only done with it but I am ready to investigate why.

See, I never gave myself the chance to know me...I never felt that I was ever worth knowing. I have no idea why I do what I do, why I pick the friends I do, why I can’t express myself. In many ways I somewhat feel disposable. Why is this?? I WILL FIND OUT! I am on a mission!

Starting tonight I will be using this blog as a growth journal. It is hoped that I will see answers not only in my actions but also in my type.